party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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