I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
