Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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