He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
