dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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