just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
