i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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