we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
FUCK WHALES
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
