my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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