My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
