All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
