Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
