I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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