Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
