its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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