ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
