i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
