I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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