Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
