Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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