I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
