just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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