im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
