I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
