Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
