You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When are your genitals available?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
