Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
