There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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