Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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