Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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