My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
nutella sex= disaster
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
