When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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