just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
