yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
