i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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