Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
