mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
