So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
