i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
