as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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