period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
