why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
