Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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