My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
