matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
