tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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