So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
