what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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