Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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