There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
