You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
